10. I would like to become more involved politically and socially with the issues that affect myself and the people around me. I should march for equality, speak out against corrupt politicians and their bogus beliefs/policies, be more considerate of the environment and our planet's diminishing resources and go vegan because animals are precious creatures that should be cherished. I promise to consider doing this once I finish this very interesting chapter in the romance novel I'm reading. And I can dig the newspaper out of the garbage outside to read up on these issues while I finish this bucket of chicken I just started devouring.
9. I will not feed commercialism. I will not hand over my hard earned money to companies that do very little to encourage the bettering of mankind. Also, since money is said to be the root of all evil (was it money or Monday? I was eating my chicken when that memo came out) I will not try to buy happiness. I will however continue to spend a shit load of dough on iTunes, hair products, and cigarettes, because, well, I need something to focus my attention on when I tire of thinking about evil commercialism or the state of the world (see #10).
8. I will quit smoking. What? I said I would spend money on cigarettes in #9? Oh, well. I will stop saying I will quit smoking. There. Better?
7. I will not sleep with your boyfriend/fiancee/husband. Much.
6. I will not get emotionally or physically involved with guys that have the mental capacity of a drunk squirrel. That pretty much means I will become a Monk, because, lets face it, all men have the mental capacity of...
5. I will not become a Monk. Refer to #7 and get over it.
4. I will choose my words more carefully and be more constructive when dealing with others and their feelings. For example, "I don't think this is the right direction for you but you have a lovely heart!" is more sincere than "You give lousy head! What the fuck did your parents do to you? Drop you when you were a baby?". Notice the subtle difference?
3. I will not dwell on negative thoughts. Yes, the economy sucks, some people are treated unfairly and morale is at an all time low, but we mustn't lose faith. Instead I will focus on more positive things. My hair is fabulous and my skin is flawless. Ahhh, I feel better already!
2. I vow to spend more time with my family and friends, love them unconditionally and keep my lips zipped no matter how foolish their choices in life are. On second thought, I will probably stay at home and live vicariously through the television shows I watch, where I can be as critical as I want to and not have to deal with the fallout of my vicious tongue. What the fuck, Buffy? Pick Spike for cryin' out loud! (I'm currently catching up on the complete set of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. I know. I'm about a decade behind the times, but remember, I spend a lot of time doing my hair, smoking, and eating chicken, so cut me some slack.)
1. When all else fails (and most of these resolutions will), I will continue to be my fun-loving sarcastic self. This is a resolution I can keep.
Happy New Year, dear readers. May all you wish for in 2010 come true. And when it doesn't, don't worry. There's always next year, and the year after that...