September 12, 2011

San Francisco...

On my quest to become the most fabulously fulfilled homosexual ever, there are three things I have vowed to accomplish in my life: use my gift of humor to educate, entertain and inspire others, to see my idol Bette Midler in concert, and to stand in the same location that Armistead Maupin’s classic Tales Of the City series is set.
Check. Check. Maybe one day.

Well, that day is soon to be here!

That’s right. Your favorite Serial Blonde is packing his weaves, eyelashes, and the smoke and mirrors that make his illusion complete and hauling his big ass to the West Coast, more specifically San Francisco, for a long overdue holiday (selling sex toys during the day and being everyone’s blonde darling at night is simply exhausting!).
This trip actually serves a few purposes really.

My BFF moved out West about a year and a half ago and I can’t wait to see him. Life without your Bestie right by your side is a challenge I don’t highly recommend. In fact, if your closest friend ever decides to move, I strongly suggest packing yourself in a box next to the other belongings they’ll be taking. Surely if they can take a toaster, they can take you too. Hanging with him is going to be tres cool.

As Director of Store Operations at Outlandish, Rochester’s premiere LGBT gift/video store (you’ve just been plugged ... you’re welcome), it’s important to stay in tune with the latest trends and keep tabs on what’s happening in the world of gay retail. What better way to do that than to visit the gayest place on the planet (okay, second gayest. Sadly, Cher is not touring this fall). My boss and Co-Manager agree and will be coming out to tour the city later that week. Our timing just so happens to coincide with the legendary Folsom Street Fair, the culminating event of San Francisco’s Leather Pride Week, which we will be attending. Can you ever really spend enough time with half naked men and women running around in leather/fetish apparel in public? I think not. Bring on the harnesses and cock rings!
But I digress. Wanting to visit San Francisco, though, actually predates my friendship or my association with my job (though they sweeten the deal). As I mentioned earlier, there are three things I dreamed of doing in my queer life. Thanks to Susan Jordan, editor and chief of The Empty Closet, my funny side and voice have a home in a column featured in that publication. My friend Bethe Mae surprised me one Christmas with tickets to see Bette Midler, who is the most fabulous entertainer EVER! And now I would have the opportunity to visit Armistead Maupin’s “Barbary Lane”, something I have longed to do for the last 18 years.
If you’ve been a longtime reader of my column, you might know that it was Mr. Maupin’s books that got me through my teen years which were filled with self-doubt and insecurity about my sexuality. Now this was back in the days before gay/straight alliances were commonplace in schools and gay representation in the media was extremely limited. There was no here! or Logo. There wasn’t even Queer as Folk or Will & Grace. But I did discover this amazing series of books about a group of friends navigating life and love in San Francisco in the 1970’s (you can read more about how I discovered them here.). These characters were as diverse as the colors of the rainbow. Straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, male, female, transgender, black, white, older and younger. But their differences united them in interesting ways. And even though I was not an adult living in San Francisco in the 1970s, these characters became like friends to me and their stories resonated with me deeply. They gave me hope of what my future could be if I surrounded myself with the same kind of individuals and made me realize that there was nothing abnormal or wrong with me. Yes. Books can do that! And as I got older, I promised to pay that forward by writing about my own experiences with the intention that maybe something I’ve written is giving someone out there solace or a sense of belonging. So to be able to stand on Macondray Lane (the real life location that Tales's Barbary Lane is based on) is a full circle moment for me.
The realization of a long time dream, mingling with thousands of leather bound daddies (and ladies!), touring the gayest city on the planet with friends, and spending time with my best friend again sounds like the best vacation EVER.

Now what to pack...

P.S. If by chance Mr, Maupin ever reads this, I want to thank him for giving a screwed up kid from the Midwest something to aspire to and for sharing his gift with the world.
Now that I've had my say, let's hear yours! Post a comment below or email me at!

September 05, 2011

I ...

If you’re a member of any of the social networking sites, you have no doubt received the one message that sends your eyes rolling to the back of your head and your finger to the delete key. That’s right gentle readers, I’m talking about the dreaded survey. Apparently, the idea of having to expose what your favorite color or what your favorite kind of fast food is, is just too much for most mere mortals to bear.

What the fuck?

I, on the other hand, live for these questionnaires. Now part of that could be because I'm an attention seeking whore, but the bigger part is that as a writer I enjoy sharing myself with others (insert tacky hooker joke here) and love reading other people’s responses. You can never know too much about the people sharing the same air as you.

So in honor of these underappreciated surveys, I present to you Serial Blonde: (Me, Myself) I ...

I am … unnaturally, but fabulously blonde. I’m also irreverent, opinionated, and occasionally ridiculous.

I want … to continue to share with others my experiences, my humor, and my philosophy that life is about the journey, not the destination. We all have a story to tell. I enjoy telling mine. I hope others are encouraged to do the same.

I have … a very large collection of books. I love to read. In fact, I’m probably not going to be friends with you or fuck you if you don’t, so heads up! The only thing hotter than a big dick is a well read one!

I wish … there wasn’t so much hatred in the world. It really clashes with my generally bubbly personality and sunny disposition. (What? I am so bubbly and sunny, God damn it!)

I hate … the word hate. To me, it’s the worst four-letter word ever. I’ll take a good fuck any day of the week. (See what I did there?)

I fear … mice. Yes, I realize that’s irrational as I am so much bigger than they are, but I don’t care. They are not cute little things named Mickey and Minnie. They’re evil little fuckers and I don’t like them! Now, before PETA attacks me, let me be clear: I do not wish harm on them. I won’t even set traps. I just don’t want them anywhere near me.

I hear ... a lot of complacency in people’s voices when it comes to the social issues that affect us all. More people need to wake up and become politically active and involved in their communities.

I search … for a better understanding as to why some people and situations we face in life are the way they are. And by that I mean difficult. I don’t for one second believe that people behave a certain way or that things happen just because. As a child I never bought it when my parent’s would say “because I said so!” so why the hell would I accept that as an explanation for anything now? Everything has a reason. You just need to ask the right questions.

I wonder … if living on my cell and using all these social media sites is really the best use of my time. Whoa, hold up! BRB! Gotta @reply one of my followers! On my Blackberry. Which is equipped with FaceBook and Twitter Apps. (See what I mean? I’m addicted!)

I regret … not telling my first boyfriend I loved him before he died. Never wait to say those words, people. Seriously. Say “I love you” often!

I love … my family and friends. I’m also fond of John Frieda’s Sheer Blonde hair products and wouldn’t mind too much if the people I loved showed me how much they love me by keeping me stocked in them!

I ache for … my loved one to stay with me forever, but realize that’s not the way it’s going to or supposed to be. (See last week’s column for that revelation.)

I always … carry a costume change and a spare weave in my car. You never know when you’re going to unexpectedly need to be fabulous. Even if it’s just the walk of shame home after that hook-up with that really cute Go-Go Boy who thank God had his name tattooed on his left ass cheek, otherwise how would I remember it … oh never mind.

I usually …tell the truth. Unless I determine that you are not emotionally stable enough to hear it. In those instances I will only tell you what I deem necessary. It’s better for everyone in the long run. Trust.

I am not … a good boyfriend. I’m a great friend and I love to have a good time. If you’re looking for a bigger commitment than that, I’m not that dude. At least I’m honest about that.

I dance …when no one’s looking.

I sing …whenever I’m bummed out. Instant mood elevator. Singing along to tunes by Lady Gaga or RuPaul can really cheer a bitch up (or make him very, very gay).

I never … make promises I can’t keep, admit my weight publicly (bigger than you and raised better to know that you don’t ask a diva of my stature that kind of asshole question!), or censor myself (you don’t have to like what I have to say but I have the right to say it).

I rarely …loose my temper. Not worth it. But if I do, it’s because someone’s being a dickhole and needs some shit broken down for him (or her). I will not hesitate to put you in your place if needed. Can I get an amen?

I cry … when I’m overwhelmed and feel like no one cares, which thankfully isn’t often. Even on those days, what I lack in confidence, I make up for in bravado ... and lots of eyeliner, glitter, and things of that nature.

I am not always …right. But then again, neither the fuck are you. Remember that.

I lose ... myself in the simple pleasures in life. Reading a good book. Listening to music while taking a long walk in the park. Coloring in a coloring book like I did when I was a child. Best times EVER.

I’m confused ... when basic characteristics like compassion, honesty, and integrity aren’t valued the same way as materialistic things. I don’t care if you have a big house, a fancy car, or wear designer labels. I don’t have any of these things, but feel richer because 1) I know I’m a good person that 2) surrounds himself with good people.

I need … to exercise more. The only running I do is with my mouth. Perhaps moving my big ass more would serve me better.

I should … find a foundation closer to my actual skin tone on the occasions I decide to unleash my inner drag queen. Until then, if I want to serve Latin Goddess, who is really going to stop me? (My darling friend Gabriel, who actually is a Latin Goddess, just shakes his head and says “Oh, girl,” but never discourages my insanity.)

I dream ... of a world where it doesn’t matter what color you are, what your gender or sexual orientation is, and where goodwill and kindness towards others prevails. Until then, I’ll keep speaking my peace and encouraging others to do the same.

Now that I’ve shared some things about me, let’s hear about you! Post a comment below or email me at