August 01, 2011

A Boy Like Me...

I thank God everyday I’m not thin, rich or hot. Okay, that’s not necessarily true. But while I wish I were more conventionally handsome, had more financial security and less of a fat ass, I stand by my initial statement. Thin, rich and hot, at least in regards to how the gay men on Logo’s The A List: New York behave only demonstrates one thing: thin, rich and hot really means you’re a self centered, vapid mannequin who is more interested in your own ego and looks than anything else.

The A List: New York, for those of you who actually have lives and did not catch the show’s first season last year, claims to be a reality show about a group of gay friends living “glamorous” lives in New York City. What it really is, is a show about bitchy queens so overflowing with venom that they can barely contain themselves. It's apparently their job to be thin, rich and hot while doing nothing whatsoever redeeming.

Full disclosure: I am completely addicted to this show. I would say I’m ashamed to admit this, but I’m too busy checking out the pictures of cast member Reichen Lemkuhl’s cock that were “leaked” on the Internet and served as fodder for most of the premiere episode of the second season, which just began airing. Now that’s entertainment!

If I really cared about giving a critical review of this show, I might actually give you the names of the men who star in it. But since I don’t care and this is not a critical review, I won’t. I will however give you the names I have given them, which I feel sums up all you need to know about them and the show.

Of course I’ve already mentioned Reichen, who was introduced to the world as a cast member of another reality show, The Amazing Race, but is more well known for being the guy who used to ass fuck former boy-bander Lance Bass. While he is the best known of the group, he’s not necessarily the most engaging. He tries to come across as reflective and sincere, but as any fan of the reality genre will attest to, this isn’t what attracts viewers. Whenever he opens his mouth and starts his kumbaya-ing, I long for him to just put a sock in it and go back to showing off his beefy cock, which, at least judging by those “leaked” pictures, has more personality.

There's also Blonde Hairdresser guy who, despite being the funniest of the group, scares the hell out of me with his over-plucked, perpetually surprised eyebrows. We’re also treated to his gossipy assistant, Little Bitch Boy, some other dude who’s function is completely lost on me that I call Skinny Sour Puss Guy, and Reichen’s ex-boyfriend Looking For a Sugar Daddy Guy.

My favorite: Sexy as Hell/Shit Starter Guy, whose real name is Austin Armascost. He is, if I may be so bold, the sole reason to watch this train wreck they call a show. He’s an unapologetic scene-stealer and works the camera to his advantage, which may make him the smartest of the bunch. He will be remembered long after this show is gone. Think Omarosa from The Apprentice.

And speaking of fierce divas, the second season has brought the addition of a sassy female counterpart to the fellas. Her name is Nyasha and the boys are terrified of her. Ironically, she’s the butchest of the cast, even with her painted face, fabulous weave and acrylic nails. Work, Girl!

While most queer reviewers have called out the cast of The A List: New York for being a bad representation of the LGBT community, I’m not going to join them. I don’t look at any form of media to be my representation. It’s a TV show folks. For entertainment purposes only! I do however take issue with how they represent vain people. While I’m not thin, rich or hot, I am completely stuck on myself and think I’m the greatest thing since do-it-yourself boxed hair color. Everyday I tell myself I’m fabulous, and I don’t give a flying fuck if you think so or not. But, unlike these bitches, I don't have to tear others down to make myself look better (well, I suppose I am ripping these guys to shreds, but boo fucking hoo. I'm sure they are way too busy waxing their asses to read this...if any of them can actually read in the first place).

Even though it's completely ridiculous, I will continue watching The A List: New York. Mainly because, like watching zoo animals screw, I’m horrified by the image, yet I can't look away, but mostly because there’s nothing else on.

P.S. One cast member that I have absolutely nothing catty or critical to say about is celebrity photographer Mike Ruiz. The man can do no wrong in my eyes. He’s brilliant and creative. I’m chalking up his willingness to participate in this delusional televised fantasy as a clever marketing strategy. And I’m not just saying this because I want him to shoot my book jacket.

P.P.S. Full disclosure (again!): The truth is, I admire anyone who puts their shit out there in public, whether on camera or on paper (or in my case, on a computer screen). Even these vapid fame whores. Any man (or woman) who has the balls to live their life out and proud and support LGBT visibility is pretty awesome to me. Plus, I really don’t want them to D-List me. Apparently they’re powerful enough to do that.

Now that I've had my say, let's hear yours! Email me at!

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