September 05, 2011

I ...

If you’re a member of any of the social networking sites, you have no doubt received the one message that sends your eyes rolling to the back of your head and your finger to the delete key. That’s right gentle readers, I’m talking about the dreaded survey. Apparently, the idea of having to expose what your favorite color or what your favorite kind of fast food is, is just too much for most mere mortals to bear.

What the fuck?

I, on the other hand, live for these questionnaires. Now part of that could be because I'm an attention seeking whore, but the bigger part is that as a writer I enjoy sharing myself with others (insert tacky hooker joke here) and love reading other people’s responses. You can never know too much about the people sharing the same air as you.

So in honor of these underappreciated surveys, I present to you Serial Blonde: (Me, Myself) I ...

I am … unnaturally, but fabulously blonde. I’m also irreverent, opinionated, and occasionally ridiculous.

I want … to continue to share with others my experiences, my humor, and my philosophy that life is about the journey, not the destination. We all have a story to tell. I enjoy telling mine. I hope others are encouraged to do the same.

I have … a very large collection of books. I love to read. In fact, I’m probably not going to be friends with you or fuck you if you don’t, so heads up! The only thing hotter than a big dick is a well read one!

I wish … there wasn’t so much hatred in the world. It really clashes with my generally bubbly personality and sunny disposition. (What? I am so bubbly and sunny, God damn it!)

I hate … the word hate. To me, it’s the worst four-letter word ever. I’ll take a good fuck any day of the week. (See what I did there?)

I fear … mice. Yes, I realize that’s irrational as I am so much bigger than they are, but I don’t care. They are not cute little things named Mickey and Minnie. They’re evil little fuckers and I don’t like them! Now, before PETA attacks me, let me be clear: I do not wish harm on them. I won’t even set traps. I just don’t want them anywhere near me.

I hear ... a lot of complacency in people’s voices when it comes to the social issues that affect us all. More people need to wake up and become politically active and involved in their communities.

I search … for a better understanding as to why some people and situations we face in life are the way they are. And by that I mean difficult. I don’t for one second believe that people behave a certain way or that things happen just because. As a child I never bought it when my parent’s would say “because I said so!” so why the hell would I accept that as an explanation for anything now? Everything has a reason. You just need to ask the right questions.

I wonder … if living on my cell and using all these social media sites is really the best use of my time. Whoa, hold up! BRB! Gotta @reply one of my followers! On my Blackberry. Which is equipped with FaceBook and Twitter Apps. (See what I mean? I’m addicted!)

I regret … not telling my first boyfriend I loved him before he died. Never wait to say those words, people. Seriously. Say “I love you” often!

I love … my family and friends. I’m also fond of John Frieda’s Sheer Blonde hair products and wouldn’t mind too much if the people I loved showed me how much they love me by keeping me stocked in them!

I ache for … my loved one to stay with me forever, but realize that’s not the way it’s going to or supposed to be. (See last week’s column for that revelation.)

I always … carry a costume change and a spare weave in my car. You never know when you’re going to unexpectedly need to be fabulous. Even if it’s just the walk of shame home after that hook-up with that really cute Go-Go Boy who thank God had his name tattooed on his left ass cheek, otherwise how would I remember it … oh never mind.

I usually …tell the truth. Unless I determine that you are not emotionally stable enough to hear it. In those instances I will only tell you what I deem necessary. It’s better for everyone in the long run. Trust.

I am not … a good boyfriend. I’m a great friend and I love to have a good time. If you’re looking for a bigger commitment than that, I’m not that dude. At least I’m honest about that.

I dance …when no one’s looking.

I sing …whenever I’m bummed out. Instant mood elevator. Singing along to tunes by Lady Gaga or RuPaul can really cheer a bitch up (or make him very, very gay).

I never … make promises I can’t keep, admit my weight publicly (bigger than you and raised better to know that you don’t ask a diva of my stature that kind of asshole question!), or censor myself (you don’t have to like what I have to say but I have the right to say it).

I rarely …loose my temper. Not worth it. But if I do, it’s because someone’s being a dickhole and needs some shit broken down for him (or her). I will not hesitate to put you in your place if needed. Can I get an amen?

I cry … when I’m overwhelmed and feel like no one cares, which thankfully isn’t often. Even on those days, what I lack in confidence, I make up for in bravado ... and lots of eyeliner, glitter, and things of that nature.

I am not always …right. But then again, neither the fuck are you. Remember that.

I lose ... myself in the simple pleasures in life. Reading a good book. Listening to music while taking a long walk in the park. Coloring in a coloring book like I did when I was a child. Best times EVER.

I’m confused ... when basic characteristics like compassion, honesty, and integrity aren’t valued the same way as materialistic things. I don’t care if you have a big house, a fancy car, or wear designer labels. I don’t have any of these things, but feel richer because 1) I know I’m a good person that 2) surrounds himself with good people.

I need … to exercise more. The only running I do is with my mouth. Perhaps moving my big ass more would serve me better.

I should … find a foundation closer to my actual skin tone on the occasions I decide to unleash my inner drag queen. Until then, if I want to serve Latin Goddess, who is really going to stop me? (My darling friend Gabriel, who actually is a Latin Goddess, just shakes his head and says “Oh, girl,” but never discourages my insanity.)

I dream ... of a world where it doesn’t matter what color you are, what your gender or sexual orientation is, and where goodwill and kindness towards others prevails. Until then, I’ll keep speaking my peace and encouraging others to do the same.

Now that I’ve shared some things about me, let’s hear about you! Post a comment below or email me at

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